Lucky?

So I'm still not "working". I try to justify my staying home by saying my kids still need me around. I'm not sure how much I really believed that to be true but when you're not crazy busy rushing from work to home, to this function or that one you have a little bit of time to think. I also have more time to read the paper, the internet and books of course. What I'm discovering is that I have pretty amazing kids. Why? Why are my kids so great? I nag them constantly about not cleaning up after themselves, get frustrated when they get poor grades and whine when I get no down time on the weekend because of their busy lives. What a pain they really are! I'd be so much better off if they would just grow up already. I admit I feel like this a lot. I might even say it out loud to them once in a while.

But occasionally moments come when none of that stuff matters. I was reading in the paper about a teen party where 35 kids were arrested for drinking. Some were caught driving and one kid was passed out in the bath tub with alcohol poisoning. In the middle of the night they called those parents on the phone to tell them their child was drunk at the police station. I am trying to imagine how I would feel getting that call. I remember a time when I was a teen that I was picked up by the police in the middle of the night. No, I hadn't been drinking but I was supposed to be spending the night at a friends house and we snuck out of the house and meet some boys. The police picked us up and drove us home. They had to knock on my parents window to wake them up. Was I a bad kid? I didn't think so. Was I a stupid kid? Oh yeah! But how did my parents feel? I honestly don't know. We never discussed it afterward and they are both gone now. I can imagine that they were worried for me. Worried that I would continue to make bad decisions and mess up my life.

I guess this is every parents worry. On Saturdays when I'm not uber busy with other stuff, I coach kids at a bowling center. My kids have been involved with this program for a number of years. It's a few blocks from the house I grew up in and while I turned out ok, (regardless of my forays in the middle of the night) I felt it prudent to seek a better location to raise my family. Suffice it to say that we live in a different area of town but this bowling center was part of my childhood and I wanted to share it with my kids. The families we come in contact with at the bowling center are diverse and interesting. Some families are close knit and bring all the cousins, aunts and uncles to support the kids. Some of the kids I've never met their parents. One of my fellow coaches is a great guy with a daughter of his own in the program. He's genuinely interested in helping kids and is outgoing and friendly. I enjoy talking to him and getting to know his family. He's divorced and raising his 15 year old daughter. I noticed a change in her about 1/2 way through last season. She's also very friendly and outgoing and still is. But one day she showed up with a piece of metal sticking out of her lip. I was a bit shocked that Dad would allow that. After talking to said dad, he just shook his head and said she came home with it one day and he wasn't happy about it but didn't know what to do about it. Over the months other changes showed up. The hair started turning colors and the pants were ripped in strategic places. When the hickies showed up, I got worried. I wanted to go over to her and shake her. Of course I didn't and I ignored it but last week dad told me that he didn't know what to do with her. She quit bowling. Seems partying is more fun, and doing drugs and having sex. I hope my horror didn't show on my face when he told me. It's not that I don't know kids do that stuff, of course they do. I was one of them. But as a parent, I can't imagine knowing anything worse about your child. How do you cope with that knowledge? How do you fix it? How did it happen?

This is when I realized that either I got extremely lucky with my kids or I'm doing something right. Even though I have mostly worked throughout my kid's lives, both my husband and I are flexible with our schedules. Someone is always home and available. We've encouraged them to do different things and pursue activities. Growing up, I was left alone often. I wasn't encouraged to do anything. I had a defining moment as a teen when I confronted my dad about it. I was angry and upset that I was basically ignored all my life. While I was not truly ignored, my feelings at the time were that they didn't care about me. They didn't come to my performances or my school functions. I was never pushed to do anything or to try to better myself. I realized that a kid isn't much different than an adult. We all have a need to feel useful, to have a purpose or something that we are good at. Just because a child doesn't work, doesn't mean that they can't have a purpose in life. So I used my feelings as a teenage to guide me as a parent. I know I'm not the easiest to live with and I often seem unfeeling or critical. I guess some behaviors are learned too young and are hard to change. I also know that while I made different choices than my parents did, there is no guarantee that my techniques would produce a better kid. I'm ok, aren't I? I guess they didn't screw up that badly!

I do get the occasional positive feedback from my kids. They like that I'm involved. They feel bad for the kids who's parents are too busy or not interested in coming to their bowling matches, concerts, gymnastics meets. They like that I will help them with their projects. They like that I'm approachable. They can talk to me about anything. They like our special moments together, either at the movies or on trips. They like the fact that I will take them to get pie when life sucks or when life is good. Pie is truly the secret to life, don't you know?

Even if they were strung out on drugs, engaged in illegal or illicit behavior I would still love my kids but I'm so eternally grateful that they are not doing any of those things! They are talented, kind, beautiful, smart, dedicated and amazing. Whether it was luck or by design, I don't care. But I sure am thankful.